| I know Im an idiot |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|11:12 am] |
Ive made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, some of the stuff I wrote in here is one of the bigger ones. All Ive done with this journal is hurt myself and someone I care about. Im sorry.
So yeah, Im done with this journal I think. I may still write in it, but no more will I let my emotions get involved with what I am writing. My life is messed up as it is, I don't need things I write but dont mean to make it that much worse.
All I can say is Im sorry, and I hope that I wont ever do it again. |
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| All I want for christmas.... |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|08:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I melted. even after all this time. I heard one word and melted. A 3 minute conversation that I wish could have lasted all night.
what is wrong with me? why am I still so confused? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|03:36 am] |
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I got asked if I believed in Santa. All I could respond with was, I stopped believing in a lot of things a long time ago. I want nothing more than to believe, even when I know its a lie. |
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| update |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|12:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Ive been awake for the past 39 hours. I was at the baja shop for a good 33 of them straight. its been crazy. My internal clock is so messed up, its kinda funny.
I have so much to do before I go home thursday. Baja, shopping, baja, Rachel, baja, Rachel, baja, home. with random stuff inbetween.
Went to ann arbor for a about 3 days there. it was really nice. spent most of my time just hanging with Rachel, it was really nice. she is so good to me, I just wish I could be good enough back. sometimes I just feel like I wont ever be able to feel for someone like that again. Im trying, but I just cant do it yet.
I duno. Im trying to be good. this Christmas season will be a big test of weather I can do it or not. we will see, the last thing I ever would want to do is hurt Rachel, and Im scared Im going to.
whatever, just need to figure some stuff out in my head. I will get it eventually. Well I hope to see you all in a couple days. drop me a line and we can do something over break.
Ok, Ive been up too long. time for sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|04:38 pm] |
2 hardest finals today. Had to get an 85% or better on both.
I dont wanna talk about it. |
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| finals are still 4 days away |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|02:21 pm] |
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Ive studied 12 hours yesterday and the day before, and plan to do at least that today, tomorrow and both days this weekend. My mind isnt used to this much punishment. It wants a break so bad, but I cant, I have to do really well so I dont get kicked out of college. I have to.
I hate having problems I cant talk about to anyone. Like some of them I can deal with, but 1 specific one is really bothering me, and I cant talk about it with anyone. I know Im wrong, so why do I keep thinking this way? I duno.
Its funny in all this time studying I havent been able to feel really depressed, but when I stop for a minute it hits me like a ton of bricks. What the hell is wrong with me? Im so messed up.
At least Im putting on a good face for the kids. I think Im making it look and sound like Im a lot better. I wish I belived it.
sorry, depressing update. I think the stress is getting to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|10:56 pm] |
Im starting to think my adviser is right, maybe it is impossible for me to become an engineer. I dont know if I can do this. I keep trying to tell myself that I can do anything, but I believe it less and less with each failure. Maybe Im really not cut out for this college.
This has been the worst year of my life, and yet I shouldnt be complaining becuase I have it better than so many. I hate feeling horrible, and then feeling horrible about feeling horrible.
Am I greedy asking for something to just work? I even think things are trying to go well and my mind wont let them. I have Rachel, she is simply amazing. So why am I such an idiot? I miss her. I've missed her every day.
I think I still have a lot of gowing up to do.
20 years old and Im going no where but circles. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|11:11 pm] |
my back hurts so bad. I have to study, but I can't even focus cause its so bad. I need to see a doctor I think, but I just dont have time. This sucks.
On a positive note, I think Im going to have my christmas party, but down scaled a bit. I cant afford to spend $200 on it this year. If you were going to come, what date would be the best? (somewhere between the 25th and the 1st). |
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| just a quick update |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|09:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | headach having | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blink | ] |
Sorry I havent updated in ever (again) this week isnt looking good to say much anyway. 4 day long week, and 3 test. Fun stuff.
Went to Indy. Good times were had. Thanks to Liz, Melissa and Mark I now have the most current gossip on every person that went to our high school. Its fun to talk about the good ol' days again, I dont do much of that here. Although if we talked about a spefic person too much, my bad, I didnt mean to, but in retrospect, the person was brought up a lot. Sorry if that was annoying, most of my stories just involve that person.
This week, heading to AA thursday to watch the new James Bond movie with Vick at 12:01. then home to go to some play sat with Rachel and her dad. We will see how that goes.
Yeah, thats about it. I really just needed a study break, but probably should get back to it. So much to do, and I care so little... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|06:14 pm] |
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I hate being so damn emo sometimes.
maybe I will learn, maybe it will get better, maybe Im lying to myself... |
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| No one told me life would be like this. |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|09:57 am] |
| [ | music |
| | the early november | ] |
Im so sick of it here. Im wondering if I can actuly do this whole college thing. I hate it so much. I'd say I just want to go home, but I dont even know if thats what I want.
I have a test in a couple of hours that I am no where near ready for. Got a quiz tomorrow I havent even looked at yet. And more work the rest of the week than I have time for.
the 2 things I really enjoy, Im having trouble making time for. I love baja, and want to be out there as much as possible, but its hard when I have so much with classes and such.
And then there is Rachel, she is amazing, and I want nothing more than to wake up next to her every morning like I did this weekend. She was here friday through monday and it was great, but its getting increasingly harder to find time to go see her, or for her to come here. I really dont want to take her away from what she is doing. She is really smart and tries so hard, I just want to make sure I dont interfere with her school. Im trying really hard not to be depressed for her too. She is helping me with it a lot, talking to me and such, and I feel so bad when I get really down for no reason, cuase I know all she wants is for me to get better. Im trying, I just have so little drive to care about life. All I ever want to do is sleep.
any way, I should go study.
1 month since I last made a mark. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|01:05 pm] |
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its snowing here...a lot. its awesome. snow is so great. it is actualy something I look forward to. and since I dont have a lot of things like that, its awesome that its snowing so hard in october. I hope this winter we get piled on with snow. none of that 1 foot stuff. I cant wait to take my boards off my wall and bring them here to school. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|04:52 pm] |
Ok this will be a random entry, just cause I’m lazy.
Haven’t written in a wile. just don’t seem to feel like putting myself out there so much anymore.
Rachel and I are doing great. wont see her for another week and a half. It will be the longest we have been apart in over 2 months. it kinda sucks.
School is hard, but I seem to be able to hang on better this semester. (maybe cause I’m not getting completely screwed every time I turn around this time)
I’ve become even more resentful of the world and my karma. nothing good can happen to me with out something bad happening. I go to see Rachel last weekend; my car gets towed and I have to spend $240 to get it back. I get an 80% on my calc 4 test (the highest grade I’ve ever got on a calc test), and on the way back from getting my test my bike chain breaks, locks up my back tire and I flip over my handle bars breaking my mp3 player. Those are just 2 examples out of many. I honestly fear things good happening to me now. how sick is that?
trying to get a job, both for now, and the coming summer. went to a job fair and I dont think employers took me seriously. Why should they with a 2.73 gpa? (once again I blame on last semester) at least I still look damn good in a suit.
been parting a lot on the weekends. Didnt get to do that as much before. Its a lot of fun and gets me away from my life. Makes me feel like I have better friends than I really do. But at least everyone seems to have a good time at my place.
guitar is coming along. play like a half hour a day. starting to get better.
Well I guess thats it. didnt say much, dont care. Like I said, getting better and so much worse at the same time. Its getting colder out, and so am I.
PS: I still miss you. And hate you because of it. |
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| getting so much better. |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|01:40 am] |
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remember, Im what you gave up. remember what I stand for, and who I am. I dont care if you miss me or not. I just want to make sure you remember. Think about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|08:14 pm] |
So Im chillin here in the union. I thought I was supposed to be having a group meeting at 8, but no one is here. Ive had so many meetings latly that Im afraid I wrote down the wrong time, or messed up the time/place with another. that would suck hard core.
Ive been trying to do all my homework and everything on time or before. Its hard though, I just have no drive. all I want to do is play my guitar all day. I just hate school so much that its hard to get that drive to do work.
Im really sick of my moods too. I know Im depressed, and yet I cant seem to figure out why. Like I know one of the reasons I was before (but I dont care about her anymore), so what is keeping me down still? Like Im really good when Im around people, I keep a smile, and all that. but when Im alone...I get so down...I just cant take it sometimes. what the fuck is wrong with me. Rachel is amazing and is helping me though it. I think she is the only one Ive really shared close to how bad it is with. She just wants to help me; why? I dont know. I just hope I can get over this soon, cause I dont want her worrying about me. She wants me to go get some professional help I think, but I dont know if I can do that. I duno, we will see.
Well, I guess I should get to this work, even without my group. |
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| 5 hours of sleep, well worth it. |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|11:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  comforted | ] |
I just spent the night at Rachel's in ann arbor. We stayed up and talked till 4 in the morning. I told her things Ive never told anyone, and didnt really have any intention of ever telling anyone. She is the most caring person I have ever met. She isnt only my girlfriend, but someone I can talk to so easily. there isnt a need to hold anything back with her, its amazing. I cant believe I ended up with her, maybe my luck is changing? |
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| what a night. what a girl. |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|08:40 pm] |
So I know it’s been quite a wile since I wrote in this last, but whatever.
So got back from Ann Arbor a couple of hours ago. What a blast. Sometimes I wish I went there instead of there. That’s where all my closest friends are, and I love when I’m there, I always have such a blast. That maybe partly due to the fact that I have no classes when I there too. But it was a lot of fun. Went and stayed at Rachel's for 3 nights, I know I’ve said it before but she is awesome, this girl is really good to me.
So Friday went to Vicki's boyfriend Jeremy’s frat for a party. They had a live band and stuff, it was a blast, and the band was freaking amazing. The guys played for 3 and a half hours too, they were good. Pretty much everyone I know at the school was there so it was really fun. Got to dance with like 4 ladies at once, yeah what can I say I’m a player (they were all taken, 1 by me). But whatever it was a blast.
Saturday there was a football game so I was going to go to Vick’s, but I called her after I Rachel and I left her place and she didn’t pick up her phone, so I just walked around campus for an hour and a half or so. Getting really good at knowing my way around there. Vick ended up calling me and I met her at her boy's actual house (he doesn’t live at the frat). Met and hung with a bunch of his friends. Watched the game and such. Went back there later that night for another party. Good times.
Sunday, woke up late as hell. Rachel and I were up late ;) Hung out with Jake for a wile. Went to yet another party, this time at Rachel's friends place, then to some guys’ frat. It was pretty awesome, we got to the frat and they weren’t letting people in. A group walked up and the guy at the door asked how many? They said 5: 3 girls 2 guys. He made them wait. We walked up and said 7: 6 girls and 1 guy. Got right in. Hellz yeah having a girlfriend with tons of hot friends. They are all really fun. It was a graffiti party so I now have a white shirt with tons of crap written all over it.
Today, didn’t want to come home. Ate lunch with Tom and his girl Karen. Stayed with Rachel till the last possible second. I wont see her for a couple of weeks now (which sucks hard core) but we will deal, she is pretty awesome and worth the wait.
Now I’m back in the EL not doing my homework. Should probably get to that.
Sorry the entry is so wicked long but it was a crazy weekend, and I barely got touched the surface. I love how all my friends in Ann Arbor makes me feel when I’m there. It’s more like a home to me then here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|09:04 pm] |
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I will do everything I can in hopes to convince myself you never existed. |
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| Last full day home. |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|05:08 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Early November | ] |
So haven’t written a real entry in a long time, so here goes an attempt at one.
Leaving for school tomorrow. Not really sure weather I want to go or not. I really don’t like school, but maybe I need a change of pace. Getting everything packed has proved to be a chore. I haven’t really done much for it. Finished my bar finally thought. Still have to design and build myself some bunk beds. I might wait till I’m there to do that, we'll see. As for other stuff, I don’t have much in the first place, I have like 1 box of crap, my clothes and my guitar, there I’m packed.
I think one thing that makes me not want to go is that I have to leave all my really close friends. The ones that I always turn to when I need someone. They all go to Michigan, Rachel, Jake, and Vick. So I will probably at Michigan a decent amount this semester.
Taking Rachel out tonight for our first "real" date. We've gone out but not with out other people, or if we were alone it was just watching TV or a movie and each others house or something. So I’m taking her out to dinner tonight, wearing a button up shirt, getting her some flowers, the whole 9 yards. Hell, I really like her, I might even (dare I say) wear kakis.
Yeah, Rachel, this girl blows my mind. I can be so far down and she lifts me up like its nothing. She is so giving and caring, it’s beyond me. It’s weird because we will have been dating only a month on the 26th, and yet it feels more like 6 months. We didn’t have that awkward couple of months there in the beginning; we were just super comfortable with each other from the start. I really like that about her, she makes me feel really comfortable. Not just a girl friend but a best friend too (yeah, in a month). So we will see how the distance treats us.
Ok, I need to go get ready for my hot date. Thanks to those who actually read this all. |
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| I dont usualy do this, but these lyrics fit me today. |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|04:50 pm] |
Zebrahead "hello tomorrow"
Hello tomorrow and good-bye to yesterday
We've been waiting for this moment
And we still don't know what to say
We may never find the answers or know the reason why
Why we both decided we should say good-bye
Nothing but good things are coming my way
If you are going please let me stay
You bring me down when I'm getting high
You turn me on I amplify
1 -2-3 times you've broken me (Broken Me)
I won't bleed like this forever
I'm down to ride but my wings are severed
Blindside blitz- evacuation
I'm stuck in hell your on vacation
1-2-3 times you've broken me (Broken Me)
I've been waiting
Waiting for the day
I've been waiting
Waiting for the day
I'm still waiting for tomorrow
Tired of living in yesterday
I've been waiting
Waiting for the day I'd be over you
Oceans, devotions, these notions run dry
Floating away and I don't know why
Spend all my days in a bottle thinking
You're like an anchor got me sinking
1-2-3 times you've broken me (broken me)
Say good-bye now and mean it forever
Got to move on and keep it together
Forget the things that you've said and you've done
That's in the past, here comes the sun
1-2-3 times you've broken me (broken me)
Today would have been 4 years. |
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